Crossroads

Very much so, I feel caught in the cross currents of uncertainty. The next five years of my life may depend on what happens in the next two and a half months. It's all happening in slow motion in front of me, but I'm afraid that I don't have the will to grab the moment to thrust me forward.

I've been feeling a loss of morale recently and I keep trying to remind myself that I have people who are there for me when I need them, who in turn remind me how far I've come and everything that I've been through.

I feel as through I'm reaching for the sun to attain my happiness but I'm afraid the wings falling off the plane. I told myself that I shouldn't set such high expectations for this relationship, but as it turns out I'm winning his trust and intimacy more and more and it's painful because it only makes me feel more insecure. I want to be absolved of these feelings that make me shudder at night. Do I not know how it feels to be loved?

Modern Things

How does one sell themselves when they have already sold out? How does one live a life worth living? Does that life involve incredible hardship, loss and support? We were built and meant to live off the land, to adapt to it, become one with it. Now we have dramatically altered the landscape to the point where our current physiology is incompatible to our brave new world. It leaves us increasingly fatter and sadder as time goes on.

I want to be with the ones that I love, I want to travel the world with them, go to howling heights and darkest depths. When I know I have 'em with me, I can do anything, everything becomes possible. I don't want to feel the way I do ever again.

Tangent

What is intercourse without meaning? One that's forced with one's consent? Conflict in the heat of the moment. All you think of is the person you'd rather be with, but does that person want to be with you? I'm afraid to overstay my welcome. These waters have becoming unkind to me. Possibly because I expect disappointment on my birthday, but why does the day set aside for my self hang so low? You'd think I'd be more of a solitary person after consistent disappointment on your birthday. I've been in a bad rut for a long while and I need to drag myself out of it. Though pulling yourself up from the bootstrap is easier said than done. I feel trapped between a rock and a hard place, uncertain what's to come or how to get out.