Everything in my life seems toxic today. The cigarettes I smoke, the relationships I have with my friends, my parents. I feel like I'm at a dead end, brick walls on four sides and no idea where to go next. Part of me feels like I'm lacking physical contact in my everyday life is making me feel this way. I'm struggling to find intimacy though a short message service while all my friends work night shifts while I speaking on the day shift. My scanners and radars are jammed, I'm lacking direction. I don't know where to go or who to talk to, who to open up to while I sit and stare at the guilded, stainless steel and aluminum world I live in. I've come to realize that it may be this Pavlovian behavior I've picked up when I was in school. I was afraid of rejection, derision, so I kept to myself, I tried to make it from point a to point b as least human contact as possible. I guess that's how I ended up living in the space in between, living in liminality if you know what I mean.
I've been having dreams where I've been starting fights. At first I thought I sucked, the things I threw I my opponent weren't having any effect. I only remember feeling disappointment from the blunt objects I threw, but not the actual punching and kicking which I'm sure I did. I would find the more I did it, the better I got. The feeling afterwards was like subtle confidence on the verge of cocky. I've been wanting to fight more and flight less. It's my tendency to keep to myself and interact when I need to. I keep telling myself to interact more with the people in the office while on the job, though at this point I feel like I'm fitting in just fine, and slowly growing. Though I don't notice the growth, all I feel inside is stagnation that stems from my critical self-consciousness and low self esteem.
My head is spinning, I don't know where to go or what to do. I'll find is this off and have a stoge.