Modern Things

How does one sell themselves when they have already sold out? How does one live a life worth living? Does that life involve incredible hardship, loss and support? We were built and meant to live off the land, to adapt to it, become one with it. Now we have dramatically altered the landscape to the point where our current physiology is incompatible to our brave new world. It leaves us increasingly fatter and sadder as time goes on.

I want to be with the ones that I love, I want to travel the world with them, go to howling heights and darkest depths. When I know I have 'em with me, I can do anything, everything becomes possible. I don't want to feel the way I do ever again.

Tangent

What is intercourse without meaning? One that's forced with one's consent? Conflict in the heat of the moment. All you think of is the person you'd rather be with, but does that person want to be with you? I'm afraid to overstay my welcome. These waters have becoming unkind to me. Possibly because I expect disappointment on my birthday, but why does the day set aside for my self hang so low? You'd think I'd be more of a solitary person after consistent disappointment on your birthday. I've been in a bad rut for a long while and I need to drag myself out of it. Though pulling yourself up from the bootstrap is easier said than done. I feel trapped between a rock and a hard place, uncertain what's to come or how to get out.

What I think about when I think about falling in love

Somehow, somewhere along the line we both decided that we would accept every facet of each other, no matter how ugly, disturbing or abhorrent. It was because we knew what it was like to be at the lowest of the low, how it felt to be lost at sea without bearings or stars to guide us. We both felt that we had nothing left to lose.

Toxic

Everything in my life seems toxic today. The cigarettes I smoke, the relationships I have with my friends, my parents. I feel like I'm at a dead end, brick walls on four sides and no idea where to go next. Part of me feels like I'm lacking physical contact in my everyday life is making me feel this way. I'm struggling to find intimacy though a short message service while all my friends work night shifts while I speaking on the day shift. My scanners and radars are jammed, I'm lacking direction. I don't know where to go or who to talk to, who to open up to while I sit and stare at the guilded, stainless steel and aluminum world I live in. I've come to realize that it may be this Pavlovian behavior I've picked up when I was in school. I was afraid of rejection, derision, so I kept to myself, I tried to make it from point a to point b as least human contact as possible. I guess that's how I ended up living in the space in between, living in liminality if you know what I mean.

I've been having dreams where I've been starting fights. At first I thought I sucked, the things I threw I my opponent weren't having any effect. I only remember feeling disappointment from the blunt objects I threw, but not the actual punching and kicking which I'm sure I did. I would find the more I did it, the better I got. The feeling afterwards was like subtle confidence on the verge of cocky. I've been wanting to fight more and flight less. It's my tendency to keep to myself and interact when I need to. I keep telling myself to interact more with the people in the office while on the job, though at this point I feel like I'm fitting in just fine, and slowly growing. Though I don't notice the growth, all I feel inside is stagnation that stems from my critical self-consciousness and low self esteem.

My head is spinning, I don't know where to go or what to do. I'll find is this off and have a stoge.

Material

People come and go, the things you own come and go. Sometimes the people you meet take the things you cherish most, other times you take what they cherish. What people leave behind can become a symbol of anger, regret, love or love lost. In the past year I have given and I've taken things of various value from various people, because you take them do you owe a debt to that person, do you owe them anything at all. Does the feelings of the person that left you turn into greed that makes you want to keep their belongings despite there being no use to you? If you keep them does that mean that you cannot let go?

Jealousy

Is not an emotion I feel very often, not as one as intense as I feel now. The thoughts on my head swarm like pixels in a static screen; The doubt, self critical thoughts, and the like. I don't know what I like about this person so much to make me feel this way. Is this what love feels like? I've never felt this way about someone before, and I have no idea how to express it. I've manipulated people's wills and emotions for this person, yet... The gods are just as fallible as the humans.

Isolation // Consolation

This semester I decided to take a majority of my classes online, some of them are hybrid classes that have meatspace meeting times while others are pure online. What I didn't count on was this feeling of detachment. I feel as if I'm not connecting with people as good as I can or used to in high school. It could possibly be the social dynamics of college, though it could also be me. There's a lack of me being able to tell people how I feel on the inside. I feel that I can't trust people with my feelings, which leads back to my sense of detachment. My home life hasn't been good either, my dad's back because he refuses to pay for health insurance in an oligarchic developing country so he's mooching off the family plan. At least I'm not as detached from reality as he is, ignoring manners and sensibility and wasting away and demanding everything be his way or he'll throw a tantrum like he's 5 years old. I feel it's become too much for my mom now that she's working full time and now a part time hospice nurse at home. I've also feel like I'm at a point where I could be charged with elder abuse. I've thought about reversing the locks on his bedroom doors which also connects to the bathroom. Reversing the door to the living room would leave him trapped. I would also disconnect the phone line and switch off the power to his room. I'd probably get a few years in jail and or prison for that, but it's gotten to the point where when I try to sleep at night I can hear his voice in my head, yelling obscenities in Tagalog. Him being here isn't healthy for me at all, real estate prices in my area are at an all time high so moving out with a part time job isn't really much of an option unless I move across the bay into some shady neighborhood I know nothing of and probably in a town with an underfunded police force. I've seen his doctors appointments and they're spread out over several months which means it's either him or me for the next few months. I need more options in my life, the job search isn't going that well either. Every single application I put out gets rejected, apparently nobody out there doesn't want to put the capital forward to train someone into a position and into the workforce, either that or they've data mined my online presence and I'm on some "do not hire at all costs" list or something, but I'm probably just being some kind of conspiracy Keanu.

tl;dr: the status quo of my life needs to change