Isolation // Consolation

This semester I decided to take a majority of my classes online, some of them are hybrid classes that have meatspace meeting times while others are pure online. What I didn't count on was this feeling of detachment. I feel as if I'm not connecting with people as good as I can or used to in high school. It could possibly be the social dynamics of college, though it could also be me. There's a lack of me being able to tell people how I feel on the inside. I feel that I can't trust people with my feelings, which leads back to my sense of detachment. My home life hasn't been good either, my dad's back because he refuses to pay for health insurance in an oligarchic developing country so he's mooching off the family plan. At least I'm not as detached from reality as he is, ignoring manners and sensibility and wasting away and demanding everything be his way or he'll throw a tantrum like he's 5 years old. I feel it's become too much for my mom now that she's working full time and now a part time hospice nurse at home. I've also feel like I'm at a point where I could be charged with elder abuse. I've thought about reversing the locks on his bedroom doors which also connects to the bathroom. Reversing the door to the living room would leave him trapped. I would also disconnect the phone line and switch off the power to his room. I'd probably get a few years in jail and or prison for that, but it's gotten to the point where when I try to sleep at night I can hear his voice in my head, yelling obscenities in Tagalog. Him being here isn't healthy for me at all, real estate prices in my area are at an all time high so moving out with a part time job isn't really much of an option unless I move across the bay into some shady neighborhood I know nothing of and probably in a town with an underfunded police force. I've seen his doctors appointments and they're spread out over several months which means it's either him or me for the next few months. I need more options in my life, the job search isn't going that well either. Every single application I put out gets rejected, apparently nobody out there doesn't want to put the capital forward to train someone into a position and into the workforce, either that or they've data mined my online presence and I'm on some "do not hire at all costs" list or something, but I'm probably just being some kind of conspiracy Keanu.

tl;dr: the status quo of my life needs to change

My nightmares are my drive. When they come back to haunt me, I run.

But am I running away or running in circles? What do I run to? Where is the sanctuary?

A Positive Dream

I want to start this out saying that I've never had a dream that wasn't dreadful or awkward but a few days ago there was an exception. A good majority has faded since then but I can spell out the details. I remember going out my front door to a strong windy storm and walking towards the BART station. I had a hard time keeping my footing since the wind was strong and mighty. I walked down my hill and down to the boulevard next to the megaplex/office complex the next block over stumbling a few times along the way. Though there was something different there at the time, I recall talking to someone what the conversation consisted of I barely remember but after I was running up a staircase where the carpark is supposed to be, I felt like something important was there and I was chasing it and I remember reaching the top and entering a large room like an atrium where the sun shined brightly and a bird inside flying away through the light. At that moment I woke up and the video had ended.

The peculiar part about this dream is that as it was happening there was a video on my TV about the video game Deus Ex: Human Revolution. As some may know the game gives various insights in out transhuman/post-human future. It was a mini-documentary on the cyborgs of the present day, or people with high tech prosthetics who are able to go beyond their normal human capacity through them. I'm fairly intrigued by the ideas and insights given by Ray Kurzweil, Amber Case, Jason Silva and David Deutsch about the exponential evolution of technology and how the paradigms of evolution have shifted in that direction. I've been a gamer since a young age and have been surrounded by technology since then. Having knowing those insights excite me, they put me in awe and give me hope for a better tomorrow.

Here is the video that played on my TV while I was asleep.


In conclusion I need more time to ponder these symbolisms and connections and sooner or later I'll have formulated an answer to add to my inner self.

Memories

I know that were supposed to learn and grow from out memories but for some reason mine are all jumbled together and repressed. Its like I don't even remember a large chunk of my life like it was wasted. I'm trying to develop more and more towards self actuality but I'm confused as to what is really my inner self. I don't even remember most the music that I listened to when I was 13. I feel... or do I ?